I have had a couple of realizations this past week.
One, I never realised back then, up to a year ago, how very unhappy I was.
Sometimes, when you're so tired and beaten, you start to think that this is the norm. Feeling dull, dreary and discontent becomes a way of life. You're not happy anymore. You're not excited. Things don't bring you enthusiasm anymore. Going to clubs are painful. Sleeping is respite. Things tire you. Annoy you more than they should.
You lose your spark. Your drive. Your determination. That spring in your step. You wake up, not looking forward to the day, but just to get it over and done with. It's all a necessary evil, you tell yourself. You push yourself further.
You get used to this lifestyle. You get used to feeling down. You get used to a sense of resignation being omnipresent in your life. Things don't seem so funny anymore. You just want to get through the day.
The thing is, I didn't even realize I was feeling this way. It's a strange feeling. You hang somewhere in between good times and misery - you are neither miserable, nor are you truly happy. You feel almost a little numb.
I say you, but I mean me.
And this week, I feel light. By the way, it wasn't Murakami who wrote The Incredible Lightness of Being. Nope. And I think I really shouldn't comment any further, because I haven't even read the book. But lately, I feel so light. So happy.
Call it a good start. Call it the novelty of newness. Be jaded and cynical and tell me it will pass. You can. But I don't care. I understand and know these things. But, what I know most is this - you cannot take away my happiness. You cannot take away how I now walk to work, beaming. It doesn't matter if everything get tougher. If I get lonely. If I face problems at work. Because now, I have had a really, great, super amazing first week here. It's everything, really. Even if things tank and go south, so what? I have had a great first week here!
I'm so happy right now. I haven't felt this happy in a really, really long time. I feel so excited and motivated at work. I'm learning so much. I feel stimulated, I find myself the newbie again. Today I spend 20 minutes trying to bind a book wrong. And, in a strange, twisted way - that was good. Because I'm no longer in my comfort zone. I'm now grasping in the dark, learning my way, finding out new things.
I wanted to walk home today but wasn't paying attention, and ended up walking the opposite direction, away from home. I only realized this ten minutes later. One of these days, what I'm going to do is just walk at night in the city and get lost. I will get lost in the streets, in the unfamilliar places, in this well organized, orderly city.
The last time I felt this happy, and this free, was when I was travelling alone in Japan for work. I was incredibly mentally stimulated then. I came back refreshed, excited, rejuvenated. I was alone. I discovered a little bit about myself. I'm a good lunch partner. To myself, that is. Of course, when I came back, there were some very nasty and mean people who made a lot of unnecessary comments - but this is always going to be there in life. You can't get rid of the lowlifes. It's part and parcel of life, after all.
Happiness is mine, for now. For this week. I've also discovered that the relative scarcity of happiness is what makes it so precious. I no longer cling on to it, hoping desperately it never fades away from my grasp. Now, when I have it, I'm happy. Content. If it leaves me, so be it. I will wait. I will chase after it. It will come back. It's all the cycle of life, isn't it? There are highs, there are lows.
It's good to be here. it's good to write.